induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
One day a man that had horses went to check on his favorite one. He was in for a shock, and as he opened the stall door, he saw the horse was rabid and foaming at the mouth. It louged at him, and, very quickly, gave him a nasty wound on the arm. His wife left to call 911, and when she got back she found him writing furiously. She told him that there was no need to make out his will, because they had a cure for rabies. He looked at her blankly and said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little hoarse."
P.M.S. -- Pissy Mare Syndrome
There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, i need a telegram" "What will it say mam?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok mam, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm mam, it's none of my businessm but i don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"
One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses, he fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: "FOUND'ER!"
There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so releived that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."
A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had to walk home."
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell the two apart! Sometimes they would get confusesed and ride the wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!" After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and they still had a problem! They decided to measure the horses. Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller one. Guess what they found? The brown one was two inches taller than the gray one!
Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse! One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'. So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup! She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.
Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horsesfor the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"
An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."
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